I recently discovered the term “stone butch” on a forum, after reading on I learned (as far as I understand) it is a butch lesbian who primarily, or entirely, I’m not sure, finds pleasure in giving pleasure to their partner. I have recently been attempting to define myself, in terms of gender and sexuality. I think to an outside person if they were to generalize, I would just qualify as a straight man. I have somewhat of an aversion to being the one receiving the attention sexually, and such an “unusual” thought process is often met with misunderstanding with my sexual partners. I have been having a growing problem with this distinction of just being a “straight man” as it seems to ignore much of who I am as a person.
My primary problem is actually finding the nomenclature that would properly describe me, and its very frustrating because either there isn’t any, or the information isn’t exactly readily available. I could be very wrong here, but it seems at least from mostly an outsider’s view, the LGBT community really seems to have a lot more self analysis going on. Maybe not, maybe I just notice it more. I find myself not identifying with those I would personally label as more stereotypically straight, or more stereotypical men.
I have encountered some difficulty when trying to discuss the subject simply because a lot of the time I just don’t know the proper way to describe myself, because I don’t know how, I don’t know any words that are accurate enough. One of the problems with even trying to figure out how to ask my question , is how exactly to word it.
So my question I suppose is this: do you think there is a problem with the self-identity of those that don’t really fit into the LGBT “categories”? Is there enough analysis and self awareness among us in the supposed “mainstream” or are we close enough to how things “should” be that it’s often just ignored or lumped together? What resources are there available to people like me trying to figure out what exactly to call themselves?
There are a couple of different meanings for stone butch. One is where a butch lesbian does not want to receive physical pleasure often because it feels feminizing. Another is where it just means very butch and is more of a gender identity and performance than it is about sexual orientation, although most stone butches would consider themselves to be lesbians and some will consider themselves transgender, but not transexual. Both forms may or may not enjoy strap-on sex which stimulates the clit indirectly when the dildo bumps and grinds against it. Some women are able to orgasm from this. Some may want their cock sucked and some may just want to give their partner orgasm after orgasm with no reciprocation.
The reason I wanted to point out to you that there are a couple of different definitions of the term stone butch and also different things that they may engage in sexually is because I wanted to show you that even if you have the words that you think describe you well, you’ll often have to go into more detail with your sexual partners. Communicating your needs and desires is never easy, but its always more difficult when you are outside the norm.
Just because you are not in the LGBTQQI (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer, Questioning, and Intersex – can we just call ourselves alphabet soup already?) Community does not mean that you don’t have every right to explore your own sexual identity and figure out what it means to you. Some people in the mainstream analyze themselves, but not enough. And I’d actually say the same for those in the queer community as well. Sure they may spend some time analyzing their sexual orientation, but not necessarily anything else. So you’re ahead of the game in trying to figure out exactly what it is you like and don’t like and what that means in your sexual relationships. I think that if any one group has it down more than anyone else it would be the kink community. And that includes people of all genders and sexual orientations, including heterosexuals.
Because you refer to your feelings about being pleasured sexually as an aversion I would suggest that you seek therapy (possibly even specifically with a queer-friendly counselor since they may be a little more open minded towards sex and sexuality) just to make sure that it isn’t something buried deep down inside that is surfacing. Even if there isn’t, the right therapist can do a lot to help you figure out your own sexuality. If you don’t have a lot of money or insurance there are often clinics with sliding scale fees in most urban areas.
I don’t really have any labels for you that are going to help you figure out how to identify, but for now it may be useful to talk to your sexual partners before you actually jump in the sack and let them know that you’re more of a giver than a receiver. This can at least start the dialogue so that they won’t be completely surprised when you have no desire to receive sexual pleasure yourself. And make sure that they understand that it isn’t them. Its not that you don’t desire pleasure from them, in fact you appreciate their generosity, but you just don’t really want it from anyone. And then give them so many orgasms that they are too tuckered out to even try anything on you ;)
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This post, Analyzing Sexuality, originally appeared on Ask Garnet on 02/10/2010. Click over to leave a comment or ask a question: Analyzing Sexuality. Thanks for visiting!
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